EVERYDAY LIFE: A hillbilly goes on a business trip

by John McKnight

Since it was 4 AM and I wouldn’t be meeting anyone important after my multiple flights across the country, I opted not to dress up. There really isn’t a point since the real business part of my trip wouldn’t occur until the following day. I don’t really mind dressing up to fly, but it’s nice to be comfortable too. And these days nobody can really tell how important you are by the way that you dress anyway. It’s more in the way you talk.
Like the guy at the gate in Seattle yakking on his phone that they would “circle back” on that one. Circle back to what? Seems like you’d be starting all over if you “circled back”, just give up and scrap everything you’ve done so far. I hate nonsense, and that’s what this sounded like to me.
Safely in Philadelphia with some time to kill I hit the airport bar for a bite to eat and some refreshment. It was just about boarding time for my connection to DC so I reached into my inside pocket on my jacket to get out my debit card. The pocket was unzipped, the card and my driver’s license gone. Trying not to panic I paid cash and headed to my gate.
I had my boarding pass already so could get to DC.  ut that’s where the fun would start.  I was supposed to rent a car and drive 1 1⁄2 hours into the mountains of West Virginia to my hotel that night. Ever try to rent a car without your driver’s license? I tried to bluff my way through at the Dollar rental, acted real important. Maybe a suit would’ve helped.
Heading back to baggage claim I asked the guy at the lost and found counter if anyone had found my cards. The last place I had my ID out was at the gate in Seattle, so they had to be on that plane to Philly. They had to be easy to see. A crew member would have to see them on their walk thru. Nope. Not a thing and multiple calls and an APB e-mail didn’t get any response either.
By now it was 11 p.m. EST, I left Bellingham at 5:20 a.m. PST, and the only food I ate was breakfast in Seattle (I lied about the bite to eat in Philly). I was stuck in the airport with no way to get through security to get any food. That’s when AG, the gentleman behind the counter, busted a move with some guy on the phone at the Philly airport and got me a free room. Then he reached into his pocket and pulled out his last $25 in cash and handed it to me. Then told me he’d be back at work the next day at 4 p.m. and would bring more cash if I needed it. What??? Who says there aren’t any Angels?
By now I was a wreck, my appointment in the mountains of West Virginia was at 9 a.m. the next day, and I still had no way to get there. But at least I had a place to stay. I checked into the Holiday Inn at 11:50 p.m. and quickly found they had shut down their food service for the night, and there wasn’t anything nearby except the vending machine. I bought a packet of chocolate covered nuts, left a message to move my meeting 24 hours, and went to bed.
By now my wife was heavily involved in the whole situation and we were still focused on trying to get a car. Olympia will send a replacement license, but only after you mail in $15 and wait. Eventually she wired me some money and I thought I could catch a bus at least part of the way to my destination. Setting up a driver in Hagerstown, MD to take me the rest of the way to Berkeley Springs, WV, I tried to get to downtown DC in time to catch that bus. On the way I found out that the taxi would take at least an hour to get there, and my bus would be long gone by then.
Back to the hotel to regroup, and eventually just hired the same taxi to take me to Hagerstown. But there was a little misunderstanding when we got there. The office of the car and driver place was for lease, and even though we had talked twice on the way out he still thought I was on the bus and wouldn’t be there until much later…and that he would be picking me up at the station. So he had the taxi drop me off at a nearby Sheetz convenience store.
There I stood in the freezing wind with a leather briefcase over my shoulder and a suitcase on the ground while at least 1,000 people of every possible type walked by me. Busy place, and a bit of a hangout for some sketchy characters giving me the eye. An hour later my driver showed up noting he was glad I was able to wait inside. I didn’t mention that I’d been chased there.
The next evening I walked down the mountain my hotel was on, across the highway and up the mountain on the other side. It was late in the afternoon, my appointment had gone well and my hosts had graciously offered me cash as well. But I was fine and it was time to explore the only part of West Virginia I could reach without a car. So up the mountain I went lighting a nice cigar I had brought from home.
Near the top I realized there were houses all along the ridge, and I’d be in someone’s backyard if I didn’t turn around soon. As dusk settled in I thought about how the colonists won the war of independence. If you knew these hills (alright mountains) you could route an unprepared foe. In the winter it’s easy to move through the oak forest, easy to hide, and easy to surprise somebody, get behind your prey and sneak up from the rear.
That’s also when I realized that I was in the woods where other hillbillies live, and it was getting dark. “Circle back” meant something now. Acting all hillbillish, acting important, I scooted out of the woods and down the mountain, a wary eye on every tree as I went.

John McKnight has been exploring Whatcom and Skagit counties for over 25 years. He can be e-mailed at john@foothillsgazette.com.